Over the last few decades, women have made amazing strides in defining what it means to be feminine. Feminism prides women on being strong, powerful, influential, caring, smart, independent, the list goes on. Men, on the other hand, have not had a revolution to discuss and update the term “masculinity.” Our concept of what it means to be a man is so outdated that “being a man” has become entirely different from being a “good person.”
You don’t want your son to become a self-important macho man who takes what he wants and doesn’t apologize for anything. He might put people down, take advantage of others, or use violence to get what he wants. One might think that these traits separate men from boys, but they are not the traits that make a person masculine. In fact, some people would find these traits along the lines of “toxic masculinity,” which prides men on strength and find emotions a weakness. This is a very narrow view of manhood and encourages boys to think that sex and power are the only things that matter.
Since men haven’t had a movement to help define what makes a good man, parents need to come up with their own advice to guide their sons towards goodness. Sons can’t walk this path alone because they are still developing their decision-making skills. In this article, I’ve outlined what I think are true masculine strengths that aren’t just about being a good person or being a man, they’re about being A Good Man.
Table of Contents
Being A Good Man
He Has Purpose and Confidence
I think a man has purpose and knows what he wants to accomplish. To me, you should ask your son to set goals, may they be academic or personal, and have a plan to tackle them. He does so with confidence. Show your son how to keep his head up and take victories and defeats with pride. He should know how to ask for what he wants without being rude or overbearing. When he encounters something he doesn’t like, he knows how to stand up and change it responsibly.
I would practice having him make decisions and take charge in social situations to get what he wants without putting other people down. I think it’s important to teach him through example by sharing stories and actions that you’ve taken to achieve your own goals.
He is Smart
The second aspect I think should belong to every man is being smart. I’m not just talking about SAT scores, I mean emotional intelligence too. He should understand his feelings and others’ feelings to make good choices. Being smart also means having patience and knowing the importance of reflection before speaking or acting. I would teach my son how to be logical and thorough by talking with him often and encouraging him to think when he comes across a problem.
He is Independent, but Knows How to Ask for Help
Another thing I think makes a good man is independence. However, he should also know when he should ask for help. I think you should show your son that it is not bad to admit that sometimes you need help. Gaining skills from others will only bolster independence. See how your son handles projects and encourage him to solve his own issues when he encounters difficulty. In my opinion, a good man takes strides by not following what everyone else is doing and makes up his mind for himself. At the same time, I think it’s crucial to be open to dialogue with others.
He has Good Role Models
I think a good man has positive role models. I suggest that parents be good role models themselves. If your son is looking up to people who have negative qualities, I would identify the problematic traits to your son and challenge him to do better. I would also find leaders in his fields of interest and research what values have made them successful. If he wants to be successful he should study the qualities of positive role models and incorporate similar values into his own life.
He Respects Himself and Others
I believe your son should respect his body and mind to be a good man. It’s not okay for a man to be reckless with his self by thinking negatively about himself, causing himself harm, or avoiding a healthy lifestyle. I would point out ways my son could be treating himself better and teach him how loving yourself is the first step in being able to love others. If he’s having a hard time, I suggest reminding him to focus on his positive qualities and not put himself down.
A self-respecting person should also respect others. It’s not good to take advantage of others or tease them for their interests or ways of life. A good man is not a bully. I think he listens to and cares for others, even when they don’t agree with him.
He Helps Others
To me, helping others is critical to being a good person because it eliminates arrogance and a lack of care for those around. I would offer examples of ways your son can help his family and his classmates to better achieve their goals. It’s good to do service for the less fortunate and to be there for those going through difficult patches in their lives. As your son helps others, he will find that more people will be willing to help him when he needs it. I think being a good man means looking out for everyone and not considering oneself to be better than the rest.
He Doesn’t Separate Interests by Gender Roles
Gender roles dictate that only certain activities are masculine, and others are feminine. I find that your son should not be taught to think along these lines. I would let him know that it’s great if he is interested in cooking or art or playing with dolls, because those hobbies aren’t exclusively for women. Men can be incredible in fields that gender roles designate for women such as fashion design or nursing, and women can be great in roles traditionally assigned to men. Fathers can be caretakers of the home and that mothers can be the breadwinners, it doesn’t have to be the opposite. I think your son should know that gender roles are an outdated concept and that men and women can be equally passionate and talented in all fields.
He Needs to Be Vulnerable
Finally, I think being a good man means being able to be vulnerable. It is challenging to face difficult emotions, but it is not a masculine trait to keep feelings bottled in. I think it takes a man to confront hard feelings. It will make your son stronger to admit when he is feeling weak or struggles with an uncomfortable feeling like anxiety or depression.
I would practice by being vulnerable with your son about your own fears and challenges so he knows it’s okay to express those feelings. In my opinion, your son should be able to talk about how he feels with his family, friends, and significant others to be a good man. Withholding his true emotions can cause a variety of problems for his mental and physical health and deteriorate his relationships with others.
Final Thoughts
There is an endless amount of opinions when it comes to “being a man.” Almost everyone sees manhood differently, and it can be very confusing for a boy to know what traits to grow into with all the mixed messaged. To ensure that your son doesn’t end up overly-confident, stubborn, or rude, I suggest you focus on the above characteristics to help him become a good person and a great man.
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My Thoughts on Being a Good Man | Teaching Your Son About Masculinity
I’ve outlined what I think are 8 true masculine strengths that aren’t just about being a “good person” or “being a man,” they’re about being A Good Man.
Author Bio:
Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.